hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
