yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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