I met the friendliest cop last night
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My cat gives me a boner
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
