I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
