why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
