are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
