so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I need a beard to bite.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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