I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
