i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
