Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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