i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
