I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
