8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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