My balls are so social today.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
