I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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