i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
