Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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