He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
