dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize