no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Sorry about my life...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
