I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
sex in a hospital.. check
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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