It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you didnt know i had herpes?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
