So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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