i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
