Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
