hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
