My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
