I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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