4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
