You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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