I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I need to sanitize my soul.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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