dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
