Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
