He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize