next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I checked into jail on foursquare
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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