I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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