I can't watch pbs sober anymore
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
