Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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