Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
