Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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