I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize