i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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