Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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