saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
