it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
