he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
