It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
