Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
