i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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