I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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