I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The best revenge is premature balding
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
