he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Go christen that room with your naked body.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
