My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
40s are totally the cure
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize